A woman is typically already critical of herself, long before someone has had the chance to come in and give her even more reason to overly criticize. Ya, I’m talking about the vain review of my outer self. I know, I know, we should all be happy with the skin we’re in, be proud of our bodies, and be secure in what the good Lord has provided… I get it.

Unfortunately, for the majority of women, this doesn’t happen. I truly pray for a day I can be that secure, confidant, and carefree woman.

While I’m enjoying my journey through the crossroads, I stumbled upon my reflection.

I have to admit, I haven’t studied her in a long time. When I stopped and looked, I see new creases in places that were once smooth, and eyes that look a little saggier. (I won’t mention where else things may be saggy, ha!) My hair has begun to frizz in small sections. I even seem shorter!

This is aging. This is where I’m at. I used to be confidant, and aside from a couple things I would have changed back in my twenties, I thought I was- ok. I was never model material, but I felt good about myself. Over the years, that slowly began to fade. It doesn’t take much for us to be stripped of layers that build up our self-esteem. One remark here, one devastating thing there..and before we know it, we are nearing or are at middle age, and not only do we cringe at the sight of a mirror, but ever so slowly, some of us begin to never see our reflection at all. 

We choose to see right past it. Ignore ourselves in a way. I never got to the point of not caring, but I know it happens. I know people can ultimately give up, so to speak.

I have a face. And maybe that face isn’t the brightest anymore. Maybe it’s not anything it once was, but it’s mine. I’ve neglected to see my reflection for years. I’ve neglected to look deeply into my own eyes and see the beauty there. I have beautiful, brown eyes. There, I said it. I paid myself a compliment. What’s even more fascinating these days, is that behind the brown eyes, I see joy. Not joy in the shape or color of my eyes, but joy that radiates further than my reflection can show. A joy deep down to the depths of my soul.

This is where the brilliance of light is. Behind my tired eyes, behind the pain that has implanted itself physically into this area of my body, light still shines through. When I look at my reflection, I see it. I may have to look a little deeper some days, but it’s there. That’s God living in me. That’s the tender, mighty beauty of being a believer. I may be aged, wrinkled, frizzy, saggy, and plumper, but I’m beautiful.

Yes, I’m beautiful. And the beauty I now encounter has nothing to do with skin, weight, or gray hair. It has to do with something I can’t explain. Something that carries me and makes me confidant, that ignites fire in my heart, that challenges me to stand taller and love deeper..love me deeper.

Jesus.. only Jesus.

**(please leave your thoughts, comments, and prayer requests below. You can also use the contact page!  Thank you for stopping by- Lisa)

Have you ever heard the phrase, “What do you want to be when you grow up”? And have you ever experienced a grown adult look at you with a blank stare when you ask them that? 

I am the one with the blank stare, stuttering with ‘uhs’ and ‘ums’.

Once we’ve reached adulthood, people think we are living the answer to this question- in a career.

When you stopped in the middle of a career path, to say, raise your kids, that question truly intimidates a woman when she’s done raising those kids! So, I’ve decided to look at it differently. 

Many people who know me, know I’m a self-admitted airhead. Why do I call myself that? Well, no matter how hard I try, I have more ‘duh’ moments than I care to admit! It’s just a part of who I am. I was once told I was quirky- I’m still not sure if that was a compliment. It’s just something someone saw in me. I’ve been told I’m strong, independent, faithful, calm, harsh, too honest…oh the things I’ve heard I am. But today I ‘m reflecting on what I see in myself (besides an airhead). I don’t see strength- but I see God strong in me. I don’t see independent, as I am fully dependent on the Lord. I do see myself as faithful. I believe and trust in an awesome God!  These are pieces that make up parts of who I am.

I’m compassionate, caring, hard-working and decisive- I am many things. These little adjectives are the description of us- how we interact with others, the measure of a giving heart, the way we handle life.

These are my quilt pieces!

These pieces build on each other throughout life to form who we are.

I’ve begun to answer the question of “what do you want to be when you grow up?” with more than a stated career, position or opportunity on the horizon; because at the end of it all, who we are is much more than temporary positions and name plaques on a desk, and I have no desire to allow these things to define who I am.

I can sit and contemplate what I’m made to do for days, years even. That’s what people mean by this always present question, right?  I still haven’t come up with an answer. I honestly am not too concerned about wondering what to do, I’d rather contemplate what I want to be. Every part of that answer begins with Jesus and ends with my Father above.

What I want to be when I grow up is a passionate woman, continuously seeking the face of God. I want to be a human being that sees another human being in every face I encounter. I want to be a wife who prays, a mother who prays, a daughter who prays, and a friend who prays. When I grow up, I want to be better than the person I was yesterday. I don’t want to live in fear, or dwell in the pits of anger. When I see a simple, small blue bird fly by, I want to be appreciative of all life, large and small. I want to give more than I receive, and love deeper than I ever thought possible.

What do I want to be when I grow up? I want to be the woman God has called me to be. In everything I do, let me be that woman.

**(please leave your thoughts, comments, and prayer requests below. You can also use the contact page!  Thank you for stopping by- Lisa)

Most moms feel this tug at some point. As the years fly by, and you become a wife, then a mother, then a grandmother, people begin to know you more by the role you keep. I have been “George’s mom” forever! Literally! When you have a child as a young teenager, you spend all, but those few years before, being a ‘mom’. I attended high school with my lil man on my hip, walked the halls with him in my arms, delivered him to the nursery, and even back then, I was known as ‘George’s mom”.

Then I became Ashley’s mom, Craig’s wife, CJ’s mom, Jonathan’s mom..and as my own kids grew, I became Zaiden’s nanny, then Harlee Rae’s nanny.  Let‘s not forget Jeremiah’s mother in law, and Janelle’s mother in law. And always, Jan’s daughter, Mindy’s sister, and friend!! Many titles for one lady!

It never bothered me much, I was in and out of schools, doctor’s offices, sporting practices and games, so that’s just the way it goes. Then suddenly, without warning, those reasons for not being Lisa, but someone’s mom, slowly became far and few between. My youngest son is a year from turning 18, he is my baby, but my role has already begun to shift in many ways. Some days, I’m not needed at all!

A year ago my oldest son started playing on the church worship team. He is a wonderful, newly married young man, with a great personality. He quickly made friends with his fellow band members, and he and his new bride joined a small group. They are clearly making new connections. I had been attending this new church for a couple years on and off. I’ve joined as a regular attendee, so I’ve branched out to volunteer in different capacities, in hopes to meet new people.

The other day, a young gentleman walked up to me and said, “Oh, you’re George’s mom!” I, as always, beamed with pride, and said yep, that’s me! I thought, “Someone knows who I am!” Still clinging to that title I’ve carried as an identity for 26 years now.

I will always wear those titles, until the day I die!

But on this day, I choose to italicize my name, Lisa Marie, and remember the most important caption of all- Child of God! Yes, I am a child of God! This is my identity, and it comes with desire, peace, enthusiasm, serenity, hope, energy and way more than I can put down!

I thought ‘who I am’ was wrapped up in titles and what I do, but I am very wrong. My identity is lovingly written on the palm of God’s hand. (Isaiah 49: 15-16). And so is yours!

I am a child of God. Forgiven and accepted. A beloved daughter of the great I am. He knew my name, Lisa Marie, long before my mother. He knows my heart intimately. God breathed this life into being, and by His grace I am set free. I can let go of the uncertainty, fear of never being an individual, for I am individually His!

There is no crisis in that!

**(please leave your thoughts, comments, and prayer requests below. You can also use the contact page!  Thank you for stopping by- Lisa)

I’ve seen the movie, “Eat, Pray, Love” - many times in fact. The first time I watched with awe as the main character abruptly decided, I need out. (Now, I’ve only seen the movie, never read the book. I usually find the book more appealing than the movie, but we’ll go with it.) The next time I watched this movie of escape, I wanted to live the experience of suddenly having the means to go, to travel, to search, for a year of my life.

I thought, at the time, I could truly relate!

Ya right, who can really do such a thing? I was a mother of 4, still raising a couple of those kids at home. If I wanted to run and seek some longing I didn’t know I had, I needed to live the first 35 years of my life differently. She wasn’t a mother of four, and she suddenly decided she didn’t want to be married. My decision in marriage was, “how much am I willing to invest in my marriage today?” Some days were better than others.

I’ve learned over the last few years, that our lives weren’t much different than any other. Were there days I would have preferred an airline ticket to Bali? Or pizza in Rome? Of course. Life is hard. Marriage is work, kids are an unending maze of hills and valleys, ups and downs. Add in owning a home, career, the need to keep the kids fed, and paying bills and dealing with education, and you are set up for deep cravings of pizza from somewhere other than Pizza Hut!

But now here we are! It’s a new day. I’m covered in love, on my knees in prayer, and trying to eat better than I did 10 years ago! I will take it in that order too! I’m in search of the ‘me’ that was always here, hiding in the closet, waiting for the door to open and the escape to begin.

I’m not off gallivanting around the world, so where am I?

Well, this past weekend, I went out on my patio. I sat and watched my hard working husband, of 17 years, building a new patio. I helped here and there with small tasks. We talked at times, and other times, we shared the space of silence. I took my mother for a stroll along my mile of beauty-Boulder Creek. For the first time in years, my mom was out hiking! (Health conditions don’t allow her to do this often). I also took advantage of my basement, where it remains cool when the temperatures are near 100. I washed clothes, like I have for most of my life.

Where am I? I’m home. Where I belong.

I didn’t board a plane and go anywhere. I sat right there in my own house, and I feel more relaxed and refreshed than I have in years. Whether I was folding socks or watering the rose bush, I was actively participating in a life that I’m trying to make sense of.

Not actively regretting a life I cry over!

I can’t help but wonder if the character in the movie had children, would that have changed her travel plans? If she had been in her 40’s and not her 30’s, would she still have gone? I am desperate to read the book now. To find something in there that I might understand. At one time, I thought I could relate. Today, after examining my heart, my mind, my priorities and my interests, I know I can’t relate to that particular story at all.

Maybe we all reach a point in life that leaves us unsure, or longing for something more. Maybe we even believe we can fly around the world awhile and all the answers will eventually come. I’d love to travel, but I’d rather go empty of internal conflict and uncertainty. With no offense, I know both scenarios can bring peace.

For me, today, I know my peace is found right where I stand.

For there, God stands with me.

**(please leave your thoughts, comments, and prayer requests below. You can also use the contact page!  Thank you for stopping by- Lisa)

Months have passed that I’ve been pondering what is next. I’ve had time alone to do much thinking as my husband was working out of state and took my son with him for a few weeks. I thoroughly enjoyed that time with no one but the presence of the Holy Spirit and myself. I relished the quiet moments we shared, and feel blessed to have had those days alone with my God.

So! What exactly did I come up with for the journey? I have to confess, I’m still at a loss for the answers I crave, but God’s not done with me yet.  For now, I wanted to remember something I loved doing before I had marriage, kids, schools, work, etc etc etc…  and I realized, some of my happiest times are adorned with nature’s splendor. Hiking through the forests of the Colorado Rocky Mountains.

There is something truly peaceful about a walk through the beauty of nature. As I made my way up the trail, my eyes were constantly glancing down the small stream that wound it’s way through the path. I reminded myself that the waters would, at some point, pour out into a body somewhere. I cringed slightly, knowing, in that space of openness is where I find myself often.

But not on this day.

Today, I remain on this secluded trail. I smell the freshness all around me. I look down at the damp ground and see a new aspen beginning to grow. Life is sprawling before me. The sun plays peek–a-boo as I meander through the dense forest. But always, I see its light.

I’m smiling from ear to ear as I share with my teenage son, this is my heaven on earth. This is my happy place. As we sat down together for a snack and a break, we just listened and took in our surroundings. I realized that I am introducing him to my happy place for the first time. Sure, we’ve been to the mountains together, but this walk, this moment that I dropped every part of everyday living- laundry, cleaning, errands, bills.. and just drove west, means so much to me.

Scripture is filled with meaningful reminders about how we spend our time, and who we spend it with. One of my favorite reminders, begins with “BE STILL”.  (Psalm 46:10-“Be still, and know that I am God. I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth!”)

We don’t know how to be still anymore! We don’t recognize that our need for control keeps us in movement, and when we are so busy seeking control through life, we can’t hear the voice of our creator! We can’t feel His amazing presence! Stop being in action and be still, and know He is God!

He is the King! He is the beginning and the end. Where I feel lost in the ocean of uncertainty, He is there as my life raft. And when I’m calmly sitting next to the gentle flowing mountain stream, He is there in the quiet of my thoughts and the deepest parts of my heart. He will be exalted! He will be praised.

No matter where I am, literally or figuratively. I don’t have to fear the openness, the confusion, the ambiguity of tomorrow, for no matter where I am, He is there with me.

“Be still..  and know… I AM GOD!”