The past few months have been a challenge.  I made the decision to step away from work and tackle some health issues head on.  In the middle of my adventure- came a new roadblock- Craig found a new, wonderful job, and that put my adventure in health on hold. What no one knew at the time was that I had found a lump in my armpit.  A visible, hard, non moving lump.  Having never had one before- I had NO idea what to do.  Do you get in immediately?  Wait it out?  Is it something serious?  So, being that I had no choice but to wait for my new insurance to kick in, I waited the two months and watched.  Checking a couple times a week, I was frustrated to always find it there.  When October rolled around, I rolled on into the Gyncologist office and had it checked out..it was about 3 cm, and I needed to get a mammogram and ultrasound.  Quickly got those done and to my delight, I was told it was nothing to worry about and I was fine.  I had a routine visit 2 weeks later, at which time the lump went from 3 cm to 6 cm- I was told to get into see the surgeon for a second opinion. By this time, I had a second pea-sized lump near my collarbone. The surgeon was short and to the point, "We need to take that out and get it biopsied."

      Biopsy.  This may very well be the worst possible word in the english, spanish, french or finnish language  (that is a language right??)... A growing lump, a biopsy, the words "rule out lymphoma"..and I will admit, I was a mental wreck.  Each day I would tell myself that I don't have cancer- this is from some infection in my system (which I happen to have in my belly-whole different story).  I would search on the internet for things like- its a lump not cancer!  I would lie awake at night, nauseated and thinking I dont have cancer, but if this comes back bad-because I refuse to say it any other way- what will I do.  How will I take care of Jonathan, will I be my same self, will I get sick, do you have to be in a hospital..the questions were non-stop, the thoughts took control.  Only a handful of people outside my family knew what was going on.  With my surgery being the day before Thanksgiving, I wasn't sure traveling was a good idea..throw in my son then tore his meniscus, so all traveling was determined to be a NO GO!  My loving husband didn't even go to Thanksgiving dinner here in Colorado, as he stayed by my side.

     The nurses had told me it would be surprisingly simple, not a lot of pain, I should be fine and up the next day.  I woke up with swelling that was 10 times larger then the original lump, and each step I took shot pain straight to my armpit.  Excruciating pain that left me staying in bed for a couple days.  I had an allergic reaction to the pain medication- so I was up all night long itching and in discomfort. Eventually, it got better..the days went by and still, you wait.  Results can take up to a week, or in my case- 2!  But there were the words I'd waited for, It's Benign!  A sigh of relief, a tear of joy and a moment of shock as I realized I had sat for 3 weeks completely detached from life.

      Thinking today, I can't help but wonder of the lady that was in pre op next to me- getting her biopsy for breast cancer, this wasn't her first round- and I can only hope she heard "It's benign" too.  So many people are touched by the affects of cancer.  So many people go about life with cancer as though they are perfectly healthy, and there I sat, perfectly healthy and was unable to go about life!  I imagine, had my circumstances been different, my attitude would have reflected the strength I know exists within, and I would have picked up and lived life too. 

       We have to appreciate each day.  We take life for granted, we take each other for granted.  We must continue to love, the easiest to the most unlovable, we love.  Holding on to one another, smiliing at each other.  Life is so unpredictable.  How does one know that tomorrow, it won't all change?  We don't know. There are no guarantees, the only thing you can be assured of, is this one moment.  If we are to busy to stop and live in that moment, we only miss all we were weren't to enjoy, or laugh at or cry over, or shake our heads about. 

  Precious is the most tender, loving word.  Precious was my 1 lb grand daughter..precious was holding my children for the first time, precious is the moment my husband sofly caresses me, precious is a life that may not always be what we think precious should like, but that's exactly what it is.  Take time to love, to say thank you, to appreciate, to enjoy, to just live....   Take the time now- because you never know what tomorrow might bring!

April 1st, 2013!  The day our beautiful HarleeRae Miracle Quintana decided she wanted to enter the world..a whopping 3 months and 10 days early.  Considered a micro premie for being born at 26 weeks, she was the littlest baby I had ever seen.  I could see her veins through her paper thin skin, I could see her little lungs working so hard to gain oxygen, and I could feel my heart pound at the love I felt for that little someone that I just met. She weighed all of 1 lb 11 oz, and all I heard over and over from the nurses and many doctors working tirelessly by her side was, "She is doing great!"..."I can't believe how well she is doing.."  All I could do was stand there, looking down at that little angel, their statistics kept rolling through my mind.."she has this chance of survival, this chance of having developmental issues..." .. numbers numbers numbers!  I hate numbers and percentages! 

Since this wasn't my baby, but my grandbaby, I wasn't sure how to proceed.  I needed my daughter to know what may be ahead, but I needed her to have faith too.  For the first time in my life, I was torn between the two. For myself, this isn't a problem.  I have lived my life knowing the odds against me, but believing in the power to overcome.  When you watch your young daughter going through something like this, you want to make sure she is mentally prepared for what lies ahead, but knows that God can do all things.

I watched as the doctors carefully assessed our HarleeRae, I just sat staring at her and thinking, she is so small.  I couldn't get over it.  When all was clear, they told me to come closer and that I could touch her, but Nana was scared to touch her, scared to breathe on her and scared of disturbing any of the many tubes going in every direction from her body.  She was literally the size of my hand, and to me that was unbelievable.  She would make short, jerking motions and I knew that those were the movements Ashley felt in her belly.  She still had some physical development to do, and all I could think of were the pictures in the "What to expect.." book..and then it hit me.. she is over 3 months early...3 months..a trimester away from full development! 

I was somewhat in shock.  The numbers kept rolling through my head and it was then that I had wished we'd never been told of probabilities or possibilities...  Doctors use science, I fully appreciate that science today!  But before I lean on anything, I use faith.  Faith that this baby, who I can hold in the palm of my hand, will indeed be just fine.  I knew in my heart that this baby is a Miracle waiting to shine.  She may have a long road ahead, but she has some of her Nana in her, and some of her momma, and some of her granny..and there is both strength and defiance in her blood.  There is will, character and determination running through her veins.  And if all that was already inside her, then we just had to give her every ounce of love we could from the outside, and this little, precious girl will start right then and there to grow and survive..because in this family, that's just what we do!

My entire year has been a whirlwind.  I have been a full time momma, full time Nana, full time employee..with a part time husband, as Craig spent most of this year traveling for work.  Now home for good (well, for now), we work at refinding our pace, our communication, our life.  We are celebrating our gorgeous Zaiden George, who is the best lil man around, and our lovely and beautiful HarleeRae.  I see he is more delicate with her, the few times she has stayed with us for a couple hours.  She is the girl, the precious lil lady of this family.

This month has brought some great news from the doctors!  HarleeRae's eyes are fully matured, and now have no worries of the retina detaching!  While she is still struggling to put on weight, she is progressing wonderfully.  She is alert and attentive, smiles here and there and has even managed to roll a bit.  She is constantly on the go!!  Her little feet kick and her hands wave and she never stops.  I hold her in my arms, and I am so very grateful, and know how blessed we all are to have her, growing and doing so well.

I have embraced this role, as so many unexpectanct Nana's do.  I love these kids more then words can express.  I look into Zaiden's brilliant blue eyes and know he's got me for life..I stare down into the ever changing eyes of HarleeRae and know, she will forever hold my heart, and probably all the rest of me around her little finger.  Circumstances may seem odd, difficult, off, whatever we call them, but God works for the good of all things and can make any circumstance into a truly wonderful blessing. 

This family shakes their head in wonder as we think, our girl is now 5 months!  She is almost half a year old!!  We hold her in all her 8 lb 8 oz splendor, and we adore this little miracle!  I still can't believe the trooper she has been from day one.  What a fighter, a true champion of survival!  And I grin, because in my heart, I am one proud Nana, one day, we will look back and have a moment, an opportunity to remember and share with her how awesome she is. 

I've been tossed one heck of a life line-up.  It's been quite a roller coaster and sometimes, hard to handle.  Vomitting often felt like the most sensible reaction given the loopty loop I was on at the time.  Somehow, I stuck it out, and I am amazed at all that has transpired in the chaos of this ride-life.  God has been good.  Actually, God has been great.  When I look at my two apples of my eye, I remember just how awesome his love is, and just how blessed I am to experience this new chapter-perhaps a whole new ride altogether- being a Nana!

As life took on a normalcy that just isn't normal, I felt like things were a bit out of control.  Work, home, hospital-every other day..Weekend visits, and long nights of worrying and wondering and just not knowing. 

All my energy poured into praying for a little girl fighting to survive the odds.  Day after day, week after week and finally month after month, she seemed to be flying through brilliantly.  Aside from a couple health issues that will be monitored, she was doing great. 

Then on one of my visits, they suddenly tell me that there are problems with her eyes.  Apparently due to the oxygen she had to be on, the vessels grew to fast, causing a possible seperation of her retinas.  Though not fully separated yet, she has to be monitored closely, "if she progresses at all, she needs immediate surgery to correct it." If we hesitate, she will be blind.  I was stunned.  I looked at her nurse and said, ok.  I laid my hands over this precious baby's eyes, and I prayed healing over them.  I sat alone with her in the rocking chair and just watched her and held her, and loved her so much.  Tears slowly began to fall from my eyes.  I thought, how amazing my God is, because in my arms sits one of His miracles, and it will be ok..

Each week she has passed her eye exam, which is actually now every two weeks. I was told yesterday that she may need exams up to 5 years old.  She may have glasses in the next year.  Or maybe, Nana says, "She may be fine, or she will be fine with corrective lens.."   

I watched my daughter very scared at the thought of Harlee Rae not being able to see.  To me, she looked like a little girl again, and as she started to cry, I realized that I'm still a mom, and no matter how frustrated Ashley makes me, how many times I don't get her, I'm still her mom.  I still love her, even when we don't agree, even when she doesn't like what I say.  We have made it through many obstacles together. I have watched her succeed and fail.  I have watched her work hard, and slack off.  I watched her laugh, and cry.  It was hard to let go and let her do things her way.  Most of the time I'm still fighting for what I believe would be best.  Either it is a parent thing or a Lisa thing, but I don't give up.  I'm still a mom. 

 I'm now a Nana.  Whether I was ready, old enough, or knowlegable enough, it came.  Nana's work full time, and still raise their own 14 year old kids!  Nana's will work all day, run home to do home stuff (though I hate cooking now), and then spend 3 hours late at night at a hospital with her newest grandbaby.  Nana's will have sleepover's with her lil man, so mom can spend the night at the hospital.  Nana's teach, read, play, discipline, and keep learning every day from the little precious grandbabies in their life.

I'm beginning to see that whatever title life gives me, God has given me the strength, courage, ability and motivation to be just that.  I don't get to be one without still being the other.  I guess at some point, I thought this parenting thing changes, moves to a different level?  I don't know, maybe it does when your kids reach their 30's??  My older ones are in their 20's still!  With the many things my kids call me for, and share with me, the things I have to help with, the worry that fills my mind even though I'm not supposed to worry, I see that many things stay the same.  You don't get to be qualified before you become a mother, and you don't get to be qualified before you become a Nana..you just have to change and become...

The day is April 13th...it is a special day, because for the first time I was able to hold HarleeRae Miracle for the first time!  She is slightly larger then my hand, weighing under 2 lbs.  I am nervous, and unsure about the many tubes going in different directions.  It is her feeding time, and I watch as the nurse carefully places her milk in the machine that will slowly feed her nutrition through a tube that goes down her throat and directly to her tummy.  I'm not sure about her heart, but I know mine is racing.  I haven't had the nerve to change her little diaper yet, which is the smallest thing I've ever seen, about the size of a dollar bill folded in half, or take her temperature, so I am not about to pick her up.  I sit in the rocking chair and wait for the nurse to gently place my little HarleeRae in my arms.  As she does, the tears form in my eyes.  I am holding my grandbaby for the first time, at 13 days old.  The fact that she has made it 13 days is amazing in itself, and something I give thanks for daily. 

We can now see her eyes, which are not fused shut as we were told to prepare for.  Her little mask has been removed, and they are beautiful.  She squirms, and makes the tiniest noises, it is adorable.  I begin to touch her little cheek and notice her ears still havent moved into their proper position, but I think they are the biggest thing on her!  One day soon, they will be up where they should be and her head will match those cute little ears.  I can see her chin, because the larger oxygen mask has been removed, she has a button chin, the cutest I've ever seen.  She .. is..perfect..!  There are no other words. 

There are prayers being said from around the world, thanks to some of my international friends, and the quick communicating tool of facebook!  There are well wishes, and positive thoughts being sent our way.  As we sit day in and day out and pray and hope and believe- we also cry, we wonder, we fear, we tire, we argue, we shake our heads, but we stay as one when it comes to our HarleeRae Miracle.  We stay united for the life of this little girl.

I look at Zaiden and I just smile.  Nana's first grandbaby.  He also tried to come at 26 weeks, but he decided waiting would be better.  Our HarleeRae was persistant, strong willed, and determined.  All traits I certainly hope to help her grow as each year passes.  I heard her cry the other day..it was the sweetest sound I've ever heard, I even recorded it on my cell.  She just wanted to tell us, "I'm here.."  my way..on my terms.  She is truly a miracle, and though I worry and have high hopes for her future, the one lesson I learned as a mother, that I still have to learn to accept today is, "We can only do so much, teach so much, give so much..they will do what they want, but we can love in every way...endlessly..near or far".  I pray, for Ashley's sake, that Harlee Rae doesn't do 'everything' on her own terms....oh poor Ashley! (giggle and wink)