If I could turn back time, I have an endless list of things I’d like to do different. If I could turn back time, I have an even longer list of those things I’d like to hold on to forever. I can’t turn back time. I can’t change what I already chose along my journey.  What I can change, what I can choose are the things that will make up my today.

It’s been a long year. I’ve dealt with a deep depression, and most people don’t even know. I’m blessed. I’ve learned to allow my Jesus to walk me through these times, gently holding my hand or grasping my arm and taking each step, side by side, with me.

And this time…  I’d say, He’s even had to carry me a while.

“I will be your God throughout your lifetime
    until your hair is white with age.
I made you, and I will care for you.
    I will carry you along and save you.”

Isaiah 46:4

Obviously, our Father is prepared for such times.

Our hope can’t falter if we are to gain ground and maneuver our way through the troubled walk of depression, or the circumstances of life without depression. Troubles will come. How we manage our thinking through those troubles will lead us to Christ; and unfortunately, can also lead us astray.

There were days in my past that I didn’t know how to hold on to faith when the free fall of my mental health began. I didn’t know if I would just look up, I would see light in my darkest moments. I didn’t know that if I kept my prayer life alive, my joy would remain living too. I didn’t know that when I felt alone on a cliff of despair, while on that cliff, I was truly resting in the lap of my Savior.

I was never alone.

I can’t turn back time. But I choose today to be my own reminder of who I am- a beloved daughter of the King. I choose today to fight to stay above the waters, to believe I am free, I am saved, I am loved.

He is my God, throughout my lifetime, until my hair is white with age.

He made me, and He will care for me.                                                              

He will carry me along and save me.                                                                     Always.

If you need prayer, please go to our contact page and submit your prayer requests.

I am happy to pray for you! 

**This blog discussion in no way is meant to replace a diagnosis, treatment plan or help of a professional doctor or counselor. If you are in need of medical help, I advise you to seek the assistance of your medical team immediately.

When I set out on this journey of writing a blog in attempts to share my experience of being a Christian living with bipolar disorder, I thought it would be easy to jot down my experiences, I thought that I had been fairly transparent in my life with many, so therefore, this project would come easy. I was very wrong.

While I’ve always been open and forthcoming with my immediate family, and a few select friends, I’ve come to realize, I kept most of journey tightly sealed in the deep caverns of my mind- some not even shared with those closest to my heart. I guess there are many reasons why I would hold tightly to some parts of my story than I do others, but for the most part, I’d say so much of what I’ve conquered I didn’t think others would understand. Bipolar disorder is complex, many people think I’ve made it look easy, and though I’ve always tried to appear like a strong enough woman, there are times what was seen, wasn’t truly the story.

So there we begin….  What is the story? And since I’ve come this far in exposing my secrets, can I sum up the courage to keep going? You see, mental illness comes with such a stigma and often discrimination, that those of us living with it, hold back. There aren’t always words to share what we are going through, not always words to describe the hills and valleys of rugged terrain we must maneuver just to function on some days. I know efforts are being made to educate others, to remove those stigmas and fears, to find a road to recovery that includes proper medical care, support and understanding, but still, we’ve got a long way to go.

I’ve come out of my shell in the last couple weeks, and shared with a couple people the struggles I’ve had over the last six months, and people are shocked to hear it. One person commented, “You would never know that by watching you.” I pray, one day, that people will truly comprehend that I can live with bipolar and still believe! I can suffer with depression and still praise the Lord! I can be down but my faith will rise, my prayers will still be lifted and my hope will carry me. I have Jesus Christ in my heart. I have surrendered my entire being to following my Savior! He inspires me on a daily basis through his word. He reminds me that in my brokenness, I am still a beloved daughter of the King-forgiven, free and set apart.

When we stumble, He picks us up. When we cry, he holds us tenderly. We never have to be alone, no matter how alone we feel on the outside. When I can’t find strength to face tomorrow, He provides.  The Holy Spirit knows my heart and my mind, knows full well when I’m not sure about this life, and knows how to comfort me in my most trying times. Where does this come from? It starts with believing and accepting Jesus into your heart. Without that first step, we can’t get to the next….

Stay tuned..more to come

If you need prayer, please go to our contact page and submit your prayer requests.

I am happy to pray for you! 

**This blog discussion in no way is meant to replace a diagnosis, treatment plan or help of a professional doctor or counselor. If you are in need of medical help, I advise you to seek the assistance of your medical team immediately.

I remember sitting in the room with a couple doctors, I felt small. So small in fact, it was hard to breathe and hard to focus. They said the words, “We think you have bipolar disorder.”

I was stunned. If I said anything, I can’t remember.  Me?  Bipolar? No. Those are the crazy people on T.V. that do crazy things. Not me.

They began drawing pictures to help explain what a bipolar mind looks like. This is normal (a bracket to indicate normal people, where ‘most’ minds remain under most circumstances-normal) When one has bipolar they live with significant highs (drawing a tall mountain, way above the normal brackets), and they can experience serious lows (drawing the same thing but heading south, so to speak).

I didn’t need to hear more. I closed my eyes and returned to 14 years old. It all began then. At 14, a huge life event happened, and one night I looked in the mirror and with one broken glance, I was not me. I changed. From that day on, for a year or so, I lived on the edge of sanity. I drank, became promiscuous and gave up on life, because I truly felt life had given up on me. Abuse had finally taken the last of my senses, and what happened was text book. I was the girl that most people thought was a good girl, but the double life I led would ultimately bring me to my knees, and lead me into the life of a teen mother.

I can’t tell you what else was said in that meeting. I can’t tell you what I ate for dinner, if I slept, or mingled. For that night, I knew I was in trouble. I knew everything they said was true, and more than anything, I knew my life was now out in the open. It may have been my delusion to think the life of ‘manic Lisa’ was so well hidden, but now I was exposed. The tender soul of a believer, who never understood she was free, wasn’t only exposed to a world, but to a God who dearly loved her. How could He still love me? He showed up the next day to tell me how.

I thought it was just another one of those ‘sessions’- when we were supposed to share. I didn’t share, I had nothing to say to a room of strangers. I wasn’t a cooperative patient.

Instead, in walked a couple men with a guitar, and a bible. There they sat singing a sweet melody that brought me to tears. “As the Deer pants for the water, so my soul longs after you…  You alone are my heart’s desire, and I long to worship you..” Some switch deep inside flipped and without warning, I could feel a change deep inside my heart. A longing I had forgotten was in there, a hope that I managed to lose along the way. In one song, a spark was ignited, and a brilliant light was waiting for me, right where I was.

I would take months, maybe even years to fully recover from my first documented manic attack. It is a fear of mine to experience life in that way again. To be locked away isn’t my ideal life, but to be locked away in my own mind, in my own sinful actions, alone, is an even bigger fear. I must walk in Christ daily, bipolar doesn’t go away, but for me, I can live because the strength I have comes directly from a God who loves me, who dwells in the very deepest parts of all I am.

I’ve had these sudden attacks since those days, now 14 years ago. I know, for me, severe depression usually follows manic, and I’ve learned to recognize the subtle changes of my mind and even my heart. I’ve educated myself and my family on understanding bipolar. I no longer turn away from God when a battle begins.  I can’t..for without God to help me through, I open the door for Satan to take hold and devastate. I wish it wasn’t so, but I am a Christian living with bipolar disorder. They might try to use this to define me in a world of judgment, but it will never define me in the eyes of my Savior. I am loved, just as much as the ‘normal’ guy, I am needed to serve, needed to help others, I can be used in His kingdom just like any other man or woman who falls into the brackets of normal!

God has saved me numerous times, from evil on the outside and evil on the inside. In 2001, He may have saved me from more than I will ever know. Today I walk locked in His arms, and free.

 Romans 8:28

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. For those God foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the image of his Son, that he might be the firstborn among many brothers and sisters. And those he predestined, he also called; those he called, he also justified; those he justified, he also glorified.

If you need prayer, please go to our contact page and submit your prayer requests.

I am happy to pray for you! 

**This blog discussion in no way is meant to replace a diagnosis, treatment plan or help of a professional doctor or counselor. If you are in need of medical help, I advise you to seek the assistance of your medical team immediately.

Is the holiday season a difficult time for you? Maybe you have memories, losses or hurts that you associate with this time of year. Or, perhaps, you simply struggle to keep up with the happy go joyful attitudes of your family, friends, neighbors and radio dj’s that believe playing 25 straight days of Christmas music cures all things. You, my dear friend, are not alone.

I can’t pinpoint the time of my fall from holiday cheer, but I know I was a young teenager. It came one year at Thanksgiving when I was shunned for not complying with the request of my abuser. Since I said no, I was ignored for weeks, months, whatever it was; but all I can remember was- it was Thanksgiving and straight on to Christmas. I remember sitting around our table and being so sick to my stomach that I literally had to excuse myself to go vomit. This was nothing new, the ‘ignore Lisa when she doesn’t give me what I want trick’. It was part of my life. For some reason, that particular time stuck, and it impacted me, so far, for the rest of my life. 'No' meant I lived, I was left alone, but I wasn’t visible or worth anything, and oh how that man made it seem like I was the biggest shadow of nonexistence ever!

Fast forward to today….  Despite my past, how can I stimulate the constant frown, wake up the joy and stir the laughter that I know, that I believe, is deep down within? Will I ever find myself just excited about for this beautiful season of good cheer? I may never fully be like Ms. Susie must sing every Christmas song ever recorded, but I do believe I can walk a path that leads to something better than where I find myself today.

 Volunteer- when we give back, we take the focus from ourselves to the well being of others. I don’t care who you are, helping others is just good for the soul!

Relax- don’t feel obligated to attend every party, send every card, and perfectly wrap a million gifts. Shopping and material gifts often overwhelm the true meaning of Christmas for us Christians. We are beginning a season of focus on the birth, life, death and resurrection of Jesus Christ. Keep focused on all He did for you rather than all you can buy for ‘them’. Relax and reflect on Jesus!

Traditions- if you are held back due to past holiday memories, start new traditions. Make new memories and fulfill those past wishes with exciting ways to celebrate today. Suggestion- throw a Happy Birthday to Jesus party rather than a “Christmas” party- make it light and fun. Keep all things pointed toward the birth of your Savior, and see how fulfilled you feel on the inside.

Help- if you are down, ask for help. This can often be the most depressing time of year. Take notice of your mental health and take control. Seek counseling, get in touch with the friend that truly listens, reach out to your pastoral team, but reach. You never have to go through these times alone, I promise, help is there.

 Remember….

The holiday season is about being thankful and the birth of Jesus Christ. That’s it. You don’t have to make it more just because society does. Be thankful for Jesus- he loves you, he wants to be part of your life- the happy, sad, or mad. He left you many wonderful words of love, read His word! The best way to be excited is to be excited for Jesus and to share it with others.

Even as I write these few ideas down, I know it isn’t always as easy as this. Sometimes, we will stay in this realm until the season has come and gone. Just know you are not alone, you are valuable to this world in so many ways. You have so much to look forward to and so much to offer!

Hang on and start small. Each small step you take leads you through the season and right on out, hopefully better than when you started!  

Every year, around October, before the holidays really begin, I find myself a bit down. It’s nothing major, but it’s not the same me either. I don’t want to be out as much, the nights come earlier, so does my bedtime, or at least my relax time- which is really my way of saying, I’m not getting my household chores done, I’m not getting many things done that I should! I smile less, I get quieter, and my mind feels like weights are holding it firmly planted in this realm of mediocre existence.

Holiday depression is a real part of life for many. We are bombarded by the happy and cheery families that greet us on television, social media and print. Yet, we can’t join in that expression of good cheer; no matter how hard we try. It is different for each of us, but it’s similar as well.

For some, depression is depression year round. It doesn’t accelerate, deepen or change at any time of the year. We can read statistics that tell us suicide tends to increase during the holidays. The point is suicide happens at any given time, during any given month.

While my answers are firmly rooted in the Word of God, my mind and my heart know the difficulty one has clinging to those words in their darkest times. Still, that’s what I have to offer. God’s Word is meant for the broken. God’s Word is available to those shattered in heart. Not only is God prepared to minister to that heart, but He fully intends to use the broken. I am the broken, you are the broken. We are the broken. He knows your name, He knows your pain, but our God is bigger than that pain!

We don’t have to be uncomfortably seated in the pit of darkness during these days, we have a life raft. Jesus came to give you life, in every way.

“Do not let your hearts be troubled. You believe in God; believe also in me. My Father’s house has many rooms; if that were not so, would I have told you that I am going there to prepare a place for you? And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come back and take you to be with me that you also may be where I am. You know the way to the place where I am going.”  Thomas said to him, “Lord, we don’t know where you are going, so how can we know the way?”

 Jesus answered, “I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me. – John 14:1-6

The beginning to your journey out of darkness is to believe in the light. Believe in Jesus Christ! He is the way, the truth and the life! Do not be troubled. Start with belief and watch what God can do.