How does one move forward from being diagnosed with bipolar disorder? Who do you tell? Should you keep it under wraps? After all, those crazy people on the news have what you have-the people that ‘just need help’. I often wondered what my next step was, and which direction to go. It wasn’t easy. My family wanted to help, but really didn’t know what to say. Let’s face it, unless you have it, you don’t understand.  This is not unique, as with any other major illness; we can’t ever understand another’s journey when we’ve never walked in their shoes.

Once I found my balance in life again- at home, work, within my marriage, with my kids, paying bills, getting dressed, eating- you know all those things that most people seem to somewhat manage on a daily basis- I chose to return to church.  I’d been in and out for quite some time, but I knew if ever I was to survive this battle in the mind, I would need a strong Christian presence in my life. What I needed was acceptance, understanding and patience. The last thing I wanted to do was walk in a room of fearful and condemning faces staring at me!  I saw that every time I looked in the mirror! If ever I needed hope and true Christian love, it was now.

For the longest time I felt that every minute was a challenge. Every person I encountered could be a trigger, every responsibility I had to face a mountain of trials. Every single move I made was mentally exhausting. I had no energy to tackle life. Still, every day, I woke up, I got ready, I did the best I could to be a mom, a wife, an employee, a shopper, a chauffeur, an event planner, a cook, and whatever else category we moms fall into. I felt very alone, and while I tried to function at a normal capacity, my mind couldn’t keep up. The roller coaster of emotions and feelings was impossible to predict. Control was not a word in my vocabulary. What I saw in my own reflection was certainly not the person I used to be.

Back to the original questions, how do we move forward when we’re barely moving? Where do we turn to support?

 One day I walked into my Sunday School class, a very close group, and during prayer time, I said, “ I need prayer, I have bipolar disorder, and I’m struggling.” I didn’t want to cry, but I did. I received hugs, kisses and kind encouraging words. If anyone was afraid and unsure what to say, it didn’t show, because what I heard was “we’re here for you, we are praying for you, and we love you.”

To bulldoze through the barriers I needed help. I needed my Christian family for support. The one thing I needed to be assured of, the one thing that mattered to me at the time was that Jesus loved me and so did they.  If this is you, the ‘supporter’, know that you are needed. You are appreciated and you may be just who Jesus sent to help someone like me. You have no responsibility other than to love, to listen and most importantly to pray. 

Remember Dorothy in the "Wizard of Oz"? She found her way home with the help of a new family she picked up along the way.

This is family. You and I, he, she, them, they! We all need to know and to remember that we are family. When I said, “My God, I’m Crazy…” believe it or not, He said, “You’re not alone.” And from that point on, I began a new journey, and new normal, with a new family I picked up along the way!

This blog discussion in no way is meant to replace a diagnosis, treatment plan or help of a professional doctor or counselor. If you are in need of medical help, I advise you to seek the assistance of your medical team immediately.

I close my eyes and I think back to the months, years really, of being in the clutches of my disorder.  I’ve been reflecting on the Sundays I sat in church, and all I could do was cry. My relationship with my husband was on rocky ground, my children were out of control (because I was out of control).  I was unable to function in the capacity of “normal”, as my days were spent on jagged edges of massive mood swings, and at any given moment I could fall to either side.

One particular Sunday, I’d sat down in “my spot” at church. While the waterfall of tears cascaded down my cheeks, a good friend slowly scooted toward me, and put her arm around me and simply said, “You can do it.” I whispered that I didn’t know what I was doing there. I truly didn’t think I belonged at church with these tears, with this mood, in this depression and with what I believed was a lost sight of God. Lovingly, and without condemnation she kissed my cheek and replied, “You’re right where you need to be, just where God wants you.”

With that, I took a deep breath, and I focused on who I was there for, instead of who I was in the moment.  Let’s face it, I was a wreck. I was wiping snot from my own nose more than my children’s! I was looking down far more than I could manage to look up. I shuffled along with shoulders down, chin tucked. When, and if, I managed to look up, it was fear I felt, and fear I lived.  Sometimes there was anger, but more often it was sadness and brokenness. What was my place? Who was I in the grander vision of my God? And when would I see what He sees again?

The gift I had from day one was perseverance. That’s why I was even at the church!  I was determined to stay the course. I was determined to stick with what I knew brought hope and freedom- Jesus! I never turned my back on Him. Even when I was manic and not going to church at all, Jesus filled my thoughts and held my heart. As I felt out of control in emotion, or running rampant in sin, still I cried for Jesus. It may never have appeared that way on the outside, but it’s all I desired on the inside.

My favorite verse fast became James 1:2-3- Consider it pure joy my friends, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance!

Was I smiling and jumping with joy? NO! I carried strength with me to get through every day, from my Father God. These words aren’t telling us to pretend to be happy when we face trials and hardships, but to stay positive, to understand that WE ALL go through times of learning and difficulties. No matter the chaos of my mind and my life, I was growing through these episodes of bipolar disorder.

I may have been on medication, seeing therapists and completely lost in this world. But to my Jesus I was found, I was held and I was loved. He took me just as I was-chaos, broken, confused, angry or depressed- I remained His! A daughter of the King!

This blog discussion in no way is meant to replace a diagnosis, treatment plan or help of a professional doctor or counselor. If you are in need of medical help, I advise you to seek the assistance of your medical team immediately.

It’s been 14 years since I stumbled out of the worst bipolar attack I’ve ever had. It still feels like yesterday, yet my memory isn’t all that great about the days I was manic, and then hypo-manic and then in one of my deep, dark depressions.  Bipolar doesn’t just affect mood, but also energy, thinking and behavior.  Any person who has experienced depression of any kind knows how energy changes. You just want to sleep, you don’t care to comb your hair, wear clean clothes or socialize. You are confined to the bubble of existence that you create.  Barriers are set up, bright yellow ‘do not cross’ tape is hung, and you are imprisoned in a cell of darkness, or a pit of despair- which ever you prefer to call it. When you stay in this deep place, you begin to question your life, your purpose, the family that loves you and a God who saves.

While in that darkness, I wanted desperately to know Jesus was still there. I ached to feel His presence and yearned to hear His voice. I firmly believe we underestimate how vulnerable we become during the times we suffer. While we may be down, our faith can’t be out. I asked God, “Do you still understand when I’m this lost? Are you still here?” Basically, do you still have my back when the chemicals in my brain are out of whack?  The amazing thing about my God is that He absolutely does have my back, and He always has an answer!

I was led to the Book of Job. We all know the summary well. Job, a righteous man, is tested by Satan, loses everything, including his children, but still stayed faithful to God.  Job was heartbroken; a true mess after chaos broke his wonderful life.

“Let the day of my birth be erased, and the night I was conceived. Let that day be turned to darkness. Let it be lost even to God on high, and let no light shine on it.” (Job 3:3-4)

Job says- Let my entire being be lost to even God- the creator of all things. Wipe me from all memory, the night I was conceived and my birth. Let no light shine on this broken life. This is depression! God let me know that He absolutely understands me, he’s still here and He’s been to this rodeo before.

It was one of Job’s responses to the Lord that kept me hanging on by a thread to a life I wanted to throw away- Job 42:2- “ I know that you can do anything, and no one can stop you.”

Satan takes advantage of our weakness during depression. He attempts to fill our minds with junk. The junk of my depression was that I was worthless, unloved, and a waste of space. Even though I was a mother of four, a wife, a daughter, a sister and an aunt, I was convinced I was nothing. God patiently waited for me, and He saved me from myself. God can do anything, no one can stop Him. When God sees we are troubled, that we are weak, He then becomes our strong.  While it may take some time for us to see Him there, He is always there- and be prepared for him to rip down that yellow tape and pop your bubble!

This blog discussion in no way is meant to replace a diagnosis, treatment plan or help of a professional doctor or counselor. If you are in need of medical help, I advise you to seek the assistance of your medical team immediately.

I walked into the bank and felt my heart begin to race.  It seemed to be doing this lately. As I waited patiently, my heart decided it was going to be impatient. My throat began to close off, and I was getting dizzy. I had to find a chair fast. I was alone, and near faint. The room became smaller and smaller until there was no room, and I became weaker. When it was my turn at the counter, I took care of my business, assured the transfer would take place within a couple hours, and I ran out the door! 

I sat in my car, and just stared out at a near empty parking lot. I was stunned. What just happened? All I was doing was transferring money from one account to the other in order to buy airline tickets for a long awaited vacation! After calming down, I drove back to my office, trying to sort through the sudden out of body experience. I had no answers, no reason, no idea why anxiety or panic had crept into my life, but it certainly had.

I summed this episode up to the ‘new me’! Having been diagnosed with bipolar disorder only a couple months previous, it was all new. From the new breathing techniques that accompanied these attacks, to the way a room could suddenly resort to the size of a dollhouse room! Each day was an adventure to say the least.  Some days I went with the flow, smiled and said ok. Some days I was angry and somewhat bitter that I was stuck in this internal twilight zone! On only one thing was I sure- that I would figure this out, and I would beat it!

God and I were on speaking terms at this point. What, that shocks you? Yes, for a short period of time, I didn’t want to talk to God. My life had spiraled into chaos; I seemed to be controlled by some troll that turned my moods on and off while he bounced up and down on a pogo stick! Jump up- turn on the happy, fall down- turn on the anger, and for months it went on and on, until he turned on a light that was the lamp to my room and a short stay at a mental hospital.

Just when I thought, "O my God, I' m crazy," I found some peace. How did I find my peace when all seemed so out of control? What does God say about anxiousness? I learned that God left me a little message wrapped beautifully in Philippians 4: 6-7~

 Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. (NIV)

Do not be anxious, and His understanding (not mine!) will guard my heart and my mind in Christ Jesus. God’s peace is very different than anything of this world. God’s peace is not even for you to understand- because His word says so! (my kids hate when I say this- ‘because I said so’) God’s understanding is beyond us. Here is the part you need to know- God is in control! Not the little bouncing troll on a pogo stick, laughing at me as he hits the up and down button! God is in control! When anxiety has a hold on you, pray! Pray to God and allow him to guard your heart and your mind. Be thankful in knowing He is there with you, in that anxiety and His peace will overcome. Trust in God- pray!

By the way, my vacation to Hawaii was awesome! Once I got past the anxiety attack of boarding a plane for 5 hours!

This blog discussion in no way is meant to replace a diagnosis, treatment plan or help of a professional doctor or counselor. If you are in need of medical help, I advise you to seek the assistance of your medical team immediately.