Yesterday was Father’s Day. We all stopped our busy routines, and showed our dad’s just how appreciated they are and all they mean to us. We give them goofy cards, gifts of every kind, a special dinner and shower them with love all day. It is a great time for all, and truly a wonderful experience for any dad.

Then, there are those of us with no dad, for one reason or another. From the day my grandfather passed away when I was 4, I was left empty and needing that man role model in my life. I dreamt of that unconditional love, the praise, the hug, the special dances, the kisses on the cheek. I never wanted a big wedding, I had no one to walk me down an aisle. I hear my grown friends say “Happy Father’s Day Daddy”- and I can’t help but cringe, because I never had the opportunity to say that to anyone-‘daddy’.  I’m not going to lie, it hurts and I was left somewhat disappointed yesterday. Matter of fact, I’m tearing up as I write it today.

This has never really been an issue for me. It was my reality my entire life. So why was Father’s Day-2014 so hard? What made me sad? And why the tears? I don't know.

We are a searching species. We are curious from day one. Remember a child’s frustration right before they become mobile? They want to move, but haven’t quite figured it out. They are fully aware of it too! Some are fussier, seem bored, until the day they take off, and can satisfy that need.  We grow and are in search of “who we are”- we are looking for things like- a higher purpose, a calling, the meaning of life..  it never ends. That "daddy" is on the list of searching for- if he was never there!

As believers in Jesus Christ, we grow in the knowledge that what we were looking for now fills our heart and mind and soul-fully. Our God created us in a way to want Him. What we seek, we find- it’s even written in scripture. (Luke 11:9)  I began to feel guilty that I was sad yesterday, when God gently reminded me- “I’m here through your sadness.” I wasn’t reprimanded for it, I was loved through it. I was also reminded, the daddy I was searching for, I have.

Father’s are so important for their children. You bring so much to their growth through life. Sex is great, but understanding that basic concept of where babies come from is greater. Babies don’t ask to be born. They are created by you. That should be a lifetime commitment for both the mom and dad. You shouldn’t have the option to walk away when you don’t get along with each other. You can’t just send a check every month and believe you are doing your job. You need to be actively involved and know you are responsible for the upbringing of all the children you create. If we aren’t ready for that lifelong responsibility- whether you are married or single- don’t have sex. The only birth control that is 100% guaranteed is abstinence! Birth control isn’t about you, it’s about a baby, a life! You plan many things in life- plan to be a staying dad, too!

I’m happy that most of the people I know have a great dad. I’m so thrilled some of them share their daddy with me!  I am most grateful that the one Father I have, is the ultimate daddy- who loves me for who I am, who accepts me for who I am, and who is always there.  It is a gift that I hold just a little more closer today, for what those of us go through, who never had an earthly dad, is sometimes very difficult. We hold on to our relationship with our Father with a death grip, a different death grip than perhaps many others do.  It is a unique relationship, with a bond that is double tight. Beyond that…I can not explain it. Pray for those children with no dad, pray for those dads that take off and never look back. Pray for the parents left behind to explain. Thank God for being there.

I’ve been a little lost over the last couple weeks. Satan came at me in ways that made me question God’s lead, and my own abilities of walking and sharing in Christ.  When I’ve prayed, it’s been what I believe, to be jumbled words of uncertainty. I have been left wondering, “God, do you still hear my prayers, and know my heart when I am not even sure of what I am saying?”

Romans 8:26 assures us that, yes, He does!  ^“In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans.”

As a believer, we are not left alone in the difficult times. Our worldly experiences with circumstances and people can leave us feeling in disarray.  If we are struggling on the outside, it can definitely carry over to the inside, and when we lay that out for God, it may display a little bit messy as well.  The Holy Spirit is a comforter, and even when we don’t know what to pray, the Spirit prays with and for us, turning our mess and chaos into a conversation of clarity and order.

“And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for God’s people in accordance with the will of God.” Romans 8:27

As we stumble through our prayer lives, and I believe we all experience these times, we can be certain that God hears us. The Spirit is there to intercede on our behalf, and God hears the Spirit always. We can rest in knowing that the Spirit is praying for us in harmony with God’s will for our lives. Our goal is to always trust in the Holy Spirit and to trust in God, knowing and believing that He always hears our pleas and knows our hearts. 

With the end of another school year, I am taking a big breath! (Followed by a long sigh of relief) In our household, it is a stressful time for us during the year. My kids never much cared for the whole school setting. In fact, my son is contemplating home school. For some reason, it’s been a challenge. I have 3 years to go, and this may sound awful, but I am cheering and counting, 540 school days to go if the school calendar stays at 180 days! That’s right- COUNTING!

This year ended on a much different note- a scary note. A group of 5 teenage boys apparently started a pretty serious plan to somehow attack the students and staff at the school.  (Details are still limited)   We have spent the final 2 weeks receiving daily updates by phone of the safety of our school, arrests, how we are handling finals, etc  etc.. I’ve never had so much communication with the school.  Through it all, we are comforting our sons and daughters; we are crying that this has happened in our small, rural community. We are angry that fear led the final days of 2013-2014 for our children.

Fear. The smirk, the jab and the largest tool Satan pulls out of his box. It shuts us down, holds us back, creeps into every crevice of our mind and truly interrupts a life made for God. God knew in his infinite wisdom that fear would be our biggest struggle; therefore, it is written multiple times in the bible. ‘Do not fear’.. ‘fear not’. These kids had a justifiable reason to be afraid. Especially given that this isn’t new news in our country.  I had nothing to offer my son, nothing but God’s mighty hand of protection. Only God can be there when I’m not, and only God can calm him when I can’t.

Isaiah 41:13-For I am the Lord your God, who takes hold of your right hand
and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you.

I couldn’t take away the threat, the uncertainty. I’m not meant to. God alone has the power to overcome Satan in his many fashions- fear, defeat, devastation- whatever way He attacks, our Mighty and All Powerful God will handle it. My job in the situation was to get facts, and lead my son in a lifelong walk of trust. Not trust in me, but trust in a God that loves him. The strength we desire to manage these sudden life issues are offered to us through the works of the Holy Spirit living in us. If our kids aren’t taught these things about a God that loves them, where do they turn? While the school successfully kept them free from the act of violence- they weren’t able to stop what automatically arises in these situations-FEAR.

God has slowly been removed from many lives in this world. Many will never know the comfort that comes from knowing what eternal life is, or safety in knowing you are never alone, or strength when we humbly fall to our knees to slowly be lifted  by ‘our right hand in His’.

One goal- to share the news of Jesus Christ with a world in need! One goal.

Emotional mess, me? I walk the memories of my mind- and search for moments that I suddenly just lost it! It happens- as a mother, as a wife, as a daughter, a sister, a friend, teacher. Emotional messes come fast, slow, deep or on the surface, but they come.

There are minor messes and then there can be major emotional crisis. There are days we cry and cry some more. I realize, as I navigate the memories of messiness- that typically, I find myself struggling after someone has let me down, hurt me, or betrayed me.  People are difficult! People build us up one minute and tear us down the next. They join us in unity and then break that same bridge with manipulation.  They prove to be our best friend and somehow become our biggest enemy!  Some friends are there for a lifetime, through the little fights, through the disagreements, through the life changes that friend’s encounter- some find themselves in a different life arena and bail! You are married and have kids- they are still dating, eating out four times a week and partying. Husbands, wives, kids, parents, church family, aunts, uncles- there is not a person alive that will ever deliver love in perfection.

Imagine our God who created a perfect world, a man in his image, and a woman- and loved them, walked among them, enjoyed them! Still, they manage to disappoint him, they manage to hurt him, betray him by disobeying. If God experienced a 2 for 2 in the fail category with humans, what do you think our odds are? Whether we are hurt intentionally or are hurting others unintentionally- it happens. From the smallest hurts to the greatest pains- in marriage, in parenting, in friendship- emotional messes are waiting to take hold of us, and latch on to a hurting heart.

God knows we will call out to him at some point for comfort through these times. After all, His love never fails:

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.  It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.  It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.  Love never fails. – 1 Cor 13: 4-8

I love how people use these beautiful words in their wedding ceremonies.  Truly we hope to live this. When I read these words- here’s what I read-

God is patient, God is Kind. God does not envy, he does not boast, he is not proud. God does not dishonor others, he is not self-seeking, he is not easily angered, he keeps no record of wrongs. God does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. God always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. God never fails.

As we strive to be more like Jesus- I hope we all remember that we will experience disappointments, that sin is sin, and sometimes we are on the receiving and other times we are on the giving end of pain. That when our emotional messes are made up of a little hurt here and some betrayal there- that we cry while in the arms of our Lord, and when we talk, we remain in deep conversation with Him.  He is your life raft when you feel you are sinking from any  emotional mess! While I believe we try to not hurt others, God will always be the only one who loves in perfection. Love never fails- God never fails.

Put your trust in Christ alone.

I had made great strides in my Christian walk. I’d accepted Jesus, I had been baptized.  To educate myself on the Word, I began teaching children’s Sunday school, eventually co-leading and teaching adult bible study classes. I enjoyed my time with Christ, be it at home alone, sitting in a classroom, attending a women’s bible study or sitting in worship services on Sundays.  The deeper I went, the closer I felt- and then one day..

I had heard it all within the confines of my mind before. “You’re not wanted..” “You don’t matter”..”No one cares about you..”  Just as quick as day turns to night, it all came back to haunt me. I found myself in a mental downward spiral. The abuse had ended years before. I had gained the confidence to move on in my life, and left the humiliation, fear and pain behind. So, to be sitting in my current life, my renewed life in Christ and be overwhelmed with, what I thought, was my past, was devastating. I sought help from a gentleman in the church that was offering free counseling to members, and we began the task of unraveling the twists and turns that make up an abuse victims journey.

As we worked our way back through the maze of details, we came to a point that I mentally couldn’t handle. It was a roadblock that my mind dug its heels into, and refused to move onward.  As we delved into the very deepest of my abuse secrets, I began to shut down, to turn back, to mentally runaway from having to confront the barrier.  I had nightmares that were terror filled, and within those nightmares, I couldn’t walk past the front door of my childhood home. I was chased by wolves, screaming and often woke full of sweat, in tears and eventually anxiety was filling my days. 

After some coaching, and receiving some mental tools to withstand the fear of the house- we tried again.  While I was alone one day, lying on my bed, I began praying, and doing some deep breathing. Before I knew it, I was in the house. This time, I walked through the door, I looked around, and oddly, I walked to a corner, and kneeled down. I was crying softly.  There was no fear, there was nothing chasing me. I was 14 again, I was alone…so I thought. I felt peace all around me, I felt safe.  I remained kneeled down, and then I said, “Why did you leave me?”..and while I stayed with my head bowed, crying, I felt a hand on my shoulder, and I heard the words of love, so sweetly say, “I never left you, I was always there.” When I opened my eyes, I was in my house, in my bed, and the tears were pouring down, and there was a smile on my face.

For those of us that have to battle the demons of abuse, and rise again as a survivor, it is absolutely the most difficult thing to move on, completely.  While I was living in Christ, somewhere, in the far recesses of my mind sat a question. The barrier I couldn’t face wasn’t about the abuse, the abuser, or anything really related to those many years of torture. The barrier was one I erected, one I had to be willing to confront and to tear down- one block at a time- it was- “Jesus, why did you leave me?”

I believe many are held back by barriers similar to this, a time when we don’t understand. Try as we might, we can’t remove the burning question, so we push it to the side, and pretend it’s not there. “I believe, I’m a new creation.. how can I allow this to hold me back”. God doesn’t want anything to hold you back, he also understands our confusion, pain, shame, guilt, or whatever it may be for you. He wants to heal you and watch you break down your own barrier, your own stumbling block, so that you might fully live in Him.

I just need you to know that He never left you, He will never leave you. No matter what your personal circumstance was or is, God is right there with you.  He loves you. This will NEVER change! You will never be alone!